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About Our Staff:
Jefferson Davis Hogg Jr.
Son OF Jefferson Davis Hogg, named for that great president of ours, who
should be on that dad blasted five dollar bill. J.D. is a writer, poet,
and town troublemaker who loves his watermelon, poke chops, fried pully
bones, His version of a heart healthy breakfast is fried country ham,
bacon, sausage and fat back, scrabbled eggs (4) a big bowl of yellow
grits smothered with milk gravy, real butter and a glob of seriously
sharp cheddar cheese, washed down with two cups of coffee (Yuban) and a
glass of sugar free orange juice. He only weighs a mere 220 pounds, buck
naked. Loves his dogs especially Beaureguard and his Pit Bull, Mr. Peter
LaPeau.
Lucious P. Hoggphatt
Lucious is a famous photographer around these heah parts and has
photographed some of Ridgeways finest. Lucious is our new investigative
reporter who takes no BS from anyone and I mean anyone. Heck he even
accused yours truly of subversion and sexual harassment. Lucious is the
eternal yuppie of the Hogg dynasty and likes to hang around the Vista.
He knows more about Ridgeway then all of us combined, especially the
seedy side of politics. So watch out, as Hulk Hogan said, what you gonna
do when Lucious comes for you.
Beulah Hogg
Niece of the Great Hogg. Weighs in at 400 pounds. Knows how to keep her
husband in know. Poor old Boris Hogg never gets anywhere with Beulah. He
would love to make love to her but she hates to and tortures him by
bathing only on Saturday Nights. Beulah loves tater chips, and anything
beginning with the letter G, greens, gravy, grits, grapes and grubs.
When she makes sketti she likes to grab four or five half rotten maters
and through in a little ground possum and chili powder. I swear that
woman will eat the whole pot.
Bertha Hogg
From somewhere northeast of Ridgeway. Been here all her life. Calls Lake
Wannabee what it really is. They, the rich folks call it a Lake and it
ain't nothin but a wide river. A hundred years ago, with all the baby
makin' goin' on black and white and in between they should have named
this place dongtown. Known for her swift temper, no Hogg gets close to
her when she's mad.
Elvis P. Hogg
Producer of Town events, like that Swine event we have every fall. This
year Elvis is organizin early. The new motto will be Pig In The Fridge,
because cousin Dewphus and the other organizer Dom Donner can't get
enough of that hog meat. Once met Hank Williams Jr., named for a King.
Destined to carry on the Hoggdom. Skinny as a two by four and mean as
hell too. At least one is a good Hogg trait.
Stonewall Lee Hogg
The athletic Hogg. Loves the SEC football, and despises the ACC except
when J.D. lays the hammer down and he better root for the Tigers or
he'll disconnect Direct TV. Stonewall is an avid Georgia Bulldog fan and
is just waiting for Spurrier to get Spurred by that ugly drool drippin
mascot of theirs. Look for an interesting season. His only other sport
of kind is watching Stone Cold Steve Austin. He still thinks its real.
U. Ben Hadd Hogg
This two timin chicken thief, moonshine makin, pot growing is Boss'
brother Assinines son. All the good traits in a Hogg. Just elected
president of his neighborHOOD watch group, The NAAWT, The National
Association for the Advancement of White Trash.
Portnoid Peabody Hogg
And you thought Essie Mae was first. Portnoid was raised the first Black
Hogg of the family. Well educated at the Hogg academy for swiner things
in life, Boss made him Head of the Penny collections at the Bank and
even formed Portnoid a non profit organization, the National Association
for the Advancement of Copper Pennies. Boss despises those new zinc
colored cents.
Effie Pearl Pinkett
Divorced from the Great Hogg, Assinine, Effie is remarkable in
remembering the gossip of Ridgeway and Fairfield for years after the
event. Mean as a rattlesnake, cunning as a fox, you nevah know when
she's got her ears on you. Takes no BS from anyone especially anyone
particularly overweight. Get the message Mayor. Her whereabouts in our
Fair County comes with a clue. Somewhere near Beirut.??? Heck I could
figure that one out but our mayor said he had never eaten any Beirut. |