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Long time ago in ancient
South Carolina, the long suffering Gamecocks were
 chained
in bondage by the great SEC (Someone Except Carolina) pharaoh. The
chickens were at the bottom of the caste system. The 11 other tribes were
held in high esteem, even the lowly Commodores. Then South Carolina
appointed a true leader, one that would lead the Gamecocks into the
promised land. Moses Holtz took the chains of bondage off the Gamecocks
like Sherman crossing the Congaree on a sand bar at low level. Little
Moses Holtz led the Gamecocks around the Sand Hills for six long years.
God did take care of the
Gamecock Nation and every morning provided them with
 grits
for nourishment and morning discussions of visions of grandeur. Every once
in a blue moon Moses Holtz would defeat one of his 11 enemies, hence God
would reward the Gamecocks with an occasional watermelon which energized
the Gamecocks for a brief moment, but since most were overweight and
diabetic, the surge didn’t last long enough for another victory. Even when
Moses Holtz heard a voice from the burning bush it was Crimson Tide,
Crimson Tide. And then God gave the Gamecocks ten commandments and they
broke everyone of them. Check’em out Holtz, I wont even give them to you
anymore, CHECK THIS OUT!
1. They thought you
were me. Now they think Steves me.
2. What do you call a
stadium fit for a king and no winners
3. Everywhere I look,
its Gamecock this and Gamecock that and oh those questionable caps and
shirts saying "How bout those Cocks"
4. And you of all
people know my last name don't begin with a D.
5. Your show comes on
TV before my flock leaves church
6. You honor your
Father most of the time with good seats but for Christ sake honor your
mother. Her last name isn't always and F.
7. Tailgating. You kill
more of your own kind and what’s kosher about Porky.
8. All those scantily
clad cheerleaders and old Gamecock geezers saying "she’s my daughter"
9. What about those
trophies, lap tops, pictures and an occasional melon from the farmers
market?
10. Thou shalt not covet
another SEC tribe member’s ass. A bulldawg might not have a purty ass but
a chicken ain't got much of one. NEED I SAY MORE?
So the Gamecock nation
got together on the Banks of Murray and picked a new leader Joshua S.
Spurrier to carry the Gamecocks into the promised land. In fact, after the
announcement last fall, Big Jim Bundey began having visions
and on Christmas Eve. Big
Jim ,
instead of having visions of sugar plums, dreamed he saw Cocky receiving
the National Championship only to turn over the wrong way and a pinched
nerve kicked in. Then all he saw was the Colonel receiving a reward for
the best fried Chicken.
So God called out again
to the Gamecock Nation. Nothing has changed except number 1, now you think
Joshua Spurrier was born in a manger, and oh those egos. Well as the
season begins Joshua has led the Gamecocks into the promised land with win
1 against Central Florida High School but then he decided to surround the
walled SEC city of Jericho with 11 towers that must fall for
 the
Gamecocks to truly enter the promised land. Well Joshua Spurrier picked
the Georgia tower first. Bad Mistake. The Gamecocks huffed and puffed,
stewed and fumed, a quarterback that belongs on Will & Grace, and in the
end that ugly
mascot UGA just heisted his leg and put the fire out on the flaming
Gamecocks. This week Joshua is taking on the Crimson Tide of Alabama. The
cocks will play with the elephant’s trunk but he ain't gonna move. Give a
peanut to the chicken when Joshua yells out ALAF#$%^&BAMA! and the wall
don't move. Maybe if the GAMECOCK BAND
would play Tiger Rag they
might get somewhere in the Top 25!!! |
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compiled by
Lucious P. Hogphatt
Brown Recalled; Resurrected Corpse
of Cecil B. DeMille Put in Charge of Relief
BATON ROUGE, LA.–Michael Chertoff, director of Homeland Security,
announced in a press conference today that FEMA director Michael Brown has
been relieved of his command over relief efforts along the Gulf Coast. In
his place, Chertoff said, the agency has named the resurrected corpse of
legendary film director Cecil B. DeMille.
“Michael Brown has been recalled to Washington,” Chertoff said, “where he
will coat his wounded ego with salve and drench his soul with tequila. I
am also pleased to announce Cecil B. DeMille as his successor.”
DeMille, who died in 1959, was resuscitated by Homeland Security earlier
this week. His badly deteriorated visage stood next to Chertoff at the
press conference.
“It is my pledge to elevate these relief efforts to a scale not seen since
my production of ‘Cleopatra’ in 1934,” DeMille said, in a voice that was
raspy and choked with maggoty phlegm. “I will immediately bring to bear
10,000 Hebrew slaves to begin the rebuilding process.”
The “Hebrew slaves,” he said, would be portrayed by scores of Hollywood
extras.
Brown, meanwhile, will remain in Washington, Chertoff said, where he will
await President Bush’s nomination for the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
Bayou Musicians Placed on
“Endangered Species” List
WASHINGTON, D.C–William Smirnoff, director of the Department of Natural
Resources, announced today that Bayou Musicians have been placed on the
Endangered Species list.
“Their natural habitat has been utterly destroyed,” Smirnoff said, “and
many of the survivors have been separated from the herd and scattered into
the wild. This is a terrible turn of events for one of our nation’s
cultural resources.”
Preservation Hall, a traditional breeding ground for New Orleans Jazz, was
largely spared from the devastation of the post-Katrina flood, he said,
however, few Bayou Musicians were in it at the time.
“We just can’t afford to lose another Dixieland banjo player,” he said.
“And trombone? Forget about it! What kid is playing trombone these days?”
Recovery efforts are underway, Smirnoff said, but the initial panic that
struck the herd, scattering them so far away from their habitat, has made
the challenge daunting.
“We have recovered Fats Domino, a Silver Back Male,” Smirnoff said, “and
we’ve had Doctor John in captivity for many years. If we can recover some
of the females, we might be able to make an attempt to breed them and
reconstitute the herd. But even in a best-case scenario, we’re looking at
many, many years.”
Smirnoff said traps have been laid in the outlying areas, some baited with
whiskey and prostitutes, others with Jewish record producers offering
large sums of cash for complete rights to original and traditional music
recordings, but so far, no other Musicians have been captured.
Fewer People Coming to Heaven, God
Says
HEAVEN–Rising fuel costs in the wake of Hurricane Katrina dampened travel
over the Labor Day weekend, slowing the economy across the nation and,
according to the Lord, in the Afterlife, as well. This comes as something
of a shock to Heavenly staff, especially on the heels of such a
large-scale disaster.
“We really expected to see more arrivals following the hurricane,”
God said in a prayer conference call yesterday, “but with fuel costs at a
record high, it’s just very difficult for many souls to make that trip.”
Preparations for the expected newcomers were extensive, God said, and when
most of them turned into no-shows, it sent a ripple through the Heavenly
economy.
“When something like Hurricane Katrina happens, you pull a lot of your
support staff from their daily jobs and shift them into ‘reception mode’,”
He said. “Plans are made. Accommodations are reserved. There’s a whole lot
to it. Then, when they can’t show up, we’re stuck with the expense.”
As a result, He said, the price of Redemption is likely to see an increase
over the next several months.
“It’s unfortunate, I know. But that’s economics. Even on a Heavenly scale.
The loss has to be recouped somehow,” God said.
God did not say if He would apply for federal relief as a result of the
loss.
Of the thousands killed in the hurricane, God said, less than 100 have
kept their reservations so far, and He is not hopeful very many more will
turn up any time soon.
“I just don’t see the cost of fuel coming down sufficiently enough any
time in the near future,” He said. “And let’s face it–Heaven ain’t just
across the street.”
Those souls who cannot make the trip will remain Earthbound, God said,
wandering the swamps and bayous, as well as the city streets of New
Orleans, crying out in anguish.
Meanwhile, God said He refused to take any responsibility for the actual
hurricane itself.
“This was not a direct action on My part. This was just a result of the
system I put in place,” God said. “It has been in place for tens of
thousands of years. If the public is dissatisfied with the system, they
should attend more policy meetings. Policy meetings are held regularly,
but do they attend? No. They’re too busy watching ‘Will and Grace’. If you
don’t come to the meetings, your voice can’t be heard. If your voice can’t
be heard, your input cannot be registered.”
Evacuees Grateful to be Relocated
to Hurricane-Free S.C. Coast
CHARLESTON, S.C.–The first of what is expected to be several hundred
Hurricane Katrina survivors arrived at the Charleston Airport yesterday,
happy to be anywhere that the potential for another hurricane was not.
“We are so thankful to be here in Charleston, S.C.,” said Emily Goacher, a
43-year-old New Orleans resident, “a place that is so totally free from
the threat of hurricanes or floods. Thank the good Lord FEMA decided to
send us here.”
Arnold Figgis, 56, said he, too, was glad to be out of the shadow of
hurricane threats.
“I can’t imagine a better place to be,” the Bay Saint Louis, Miss.,
resident said. “I mean, Charleston has about as much chance of getting hit
by a hurricane as Buffalo, N.Y., has of getting hit by a blizzard.”
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